Monday, November 3, 2008

world at large

I have truly missed the boat. We knew we had the good things but they never seem to last, oh please just last. --Modest Mouse

There are just moments in life when running away is the only option left. Knowing when to back out of a situation is not always a cowardice deed.

Such as today, i have been arguing with myself whether to go to school today, i am here and i am sitting in my mediocre desk that could care less whose weight it held and sitting next to these people that all have no faces and if they do its a blur as well as a mumble of nonsense that comes out of their blobs of faces.

I am going to leave and take a break away from this. I am tired of pretending it is ok. It isnt. I will deal with this tomorrow but today it is a time not for owning up to life but for breaking away from it, if just for a few hours.

I come here to learn but i only have emotions getting in the way. College is going to be worse than this because your not expected to talk to people or make any lasting friends...but maybe this will be to my advantage. As long as it is not the expectation it is alway easier to deal with.

i shall depart for now.

Friday, October 31, 2008

The Insightment

On this elegant All Hallow's Eve night you might think to find a teenager of the age of 16 to be gallavanting throughout the neighborhoods vandalizing houses, getting free candy, partying with a few friends or a large group of strangers. Something that signifies a social lifestyle outside of one from school.

I am an exception to this case. To begin my extravagant night, i headed off to the gym with my father. After that we went out to look around a giant hole with wooden frames along the side of it; our future basement. Surveying the scene for moments, then returned to our humble abode. I immediately take for the nearest piece of furniture, the couch, and begin my relaxation of reading, writing, and listening to some soft calming music. Namely, lovedrug and Jack Johnson.

This is my evening that is supposed to be exciting and filled with entertaining adventures. This is what i choose to do with my time.

The reason why i dont frollick with my other peers is mainly because 1: No one invited me to accompany them on any journeys and 2: I am getting to the age that i should pretend to be an adult. This doesnt stop all of my friends but it does encourage them to not waste what little is left of their youth.
Isnt that what we're all trying to do? Just save one more moment for something unexpected to brag about later to anyone that will listen. To save up in our memory and reminisce about later just to bring a smile back to our faces. At some points this is all we can cling onto to not completely lose our minds about the often insane world we live in today.

Think about it. This is the same world we have lived in all of our lives, yet our perception of it changes constantly, making it seem different throughout their lives. As children the essence of innocence was still fresh from birth and the world is so large and vaste, but this did not daunt us one bit. We faced what the world offered us without question. We hadnt ever known any different. Not knowing if we were being jipped from anything, we took what we had and do you know what we did with it? what every child does with what they have? They make the best of it. They love life! they play and enjoy and cry out with pleasure at how simple everything is to them.
What do we do the moment we recieve anything controversial to what we've known or even slightly difficult, we complain. State our prerogative, as if the world need to obey such a silly notion, and grumble thru the whole ordeal.

stop it!!
I still have yet to find anything that needs complaining about. Sure some things may seem unfair to you but think about it thru other people's eyes. What may seem unfair to you may seem perfectly legitimate to others. Nobody is going to change the world to please you. This is a romantic fantasy that people have fallen into and have now become slaves to.

The Inferno is a book that i had the opportunity to glance thru and it shouts out a powerful message to people about how selfish they can be. the best kind of critisism is the one that makes you seem like the biggest fool.
It tells you what you need most work on. Maybe i speak from layman terms, because the Lord has been great to me and not given me such a life as one that is full of heartache and trials. But i have still recieved some difficult times the same as many people. I have made some decisions that have kept me out of trouble thus far and some that have driven me right into the collision of hard times. But once i got some insight into my situations and taken a step back to review my life, i realized that i had everything in the world to be thankful for.

So even though i have grown up and it is hard to enjoy life as we once did in a time so long and fleeting ago, i still cling onto that innocence. I may not be out with friends and having a party time with them, but honestly i dont think i want to. I am happy with sitting alone in my house just as well. Some people may find this a pitiful state and that i am a pitiful person, but they may think what they will. It shall never take my joy away.

Also, i think if i hung out with the people here i would end up liking them all a bit less by the end of it. I am in no man's land and i am just trying to find my way and my place. If i never do, so be it, i shall have a jolly good time making my way anyhow.

happy halloween to all. and to all a good night. =]

Friday, August 29, 2008


SORRY all individuals that have been reading this in the past and i have not said a lick of a word.
(n ot that there are any of you that really miss this blog)

but if anyone out there wants to know what the cause and effect of this was, it was due to a move that i went thru about two weeks ago. I no longer reside in the ever flat state of Oklahoma, but have moved on to bigger and better things, such as Colorado. Where in Colorado you ask? well Pueblo of course. the desert of the state. It may be a desert but it is at the base of everything that is mountainous and majestic.

Its a whole new town with a whole new way. =]
coming from a private school i assumed that public life would be more simplistic. Either im getting lazy or i really wasnt as smart as i thought i was. but im not doing too good in my classes. well not english or anatomy anyway. Geometry...its easy but i mess up the little things. Which after a while becomes a thorn in my side.

One thing i end up looking forward to in some of my classes is getting to see michael. (guy i started dating yesterday) and to think, i had told myself that i wouldnt get a go until like at least a year later. due to my weird overcompulsive ways.

I love my english teacher and all the things that she teaches and i want to know all of the things inside her fantabulous intricate mind but she goes too fast for my delicately slow ways. tis quite depressing. But im hoping as the year progesses that i shall pave the way for my edumacation and learn me a book.

Im going to depart now because i have to keep studying my english and im wasting precious class time doing it. (thats right, they gave us laptops. =]

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Cookie Jar

it was you, it was me, it was every man
weve all got the blood on our hands
we only receive what we demand
and if we want hell then hells what well have

Give it up for Jack Johnson everybody.
A man that's trying to clear the fog of confusion about this world that has gone too far.

In this song, cookie jar, he talks about how nobody wants to take the blame for any of the messed up things in this world that were obviously started by the evil nature of man.

(Trust me people, if you honestly believe that you are a good person, you are sorely mistaken in all sense of the word)

And Jack is right in that last line, we all complain about the hell that we live in but that's what we demand. We ask why there is so much hate in the world and how countries can't get along and just love one another. Well let's break this down into the indivudual people of a country.
Do you love everyone? have you ever done someone wrong? or gotten angry at something? been in a fight, had even an evil thought about someone that you didnt get along with?
well there you go, you have found the problem to all of the hate in the world.


It all comes back to the indivdual person and how imperfect we are. This is an imperfect world and we have to learn to deal with that. We are never going to have world peace. i know this. because you cannot stop people from thinking and plotting evil things against one another. Even

if you rallied and gathered the people of the world and said, "let's be nice for one day!" it would be impossible. People cannot live up to that. something will happen that day that will upset someone. make them angry.
Many of us get angry for no reason. dont like certain people. When asked what about that person that we dont like...we cant find a purpose. except that we know that we have that hate and we want to add wood to the fire anyway we can.

Oh how the mighty have fallen! Step down from your pedistal men and women!
we are all evil people. some more so than others.

There is a hope though my fellow humans.
i'll explain myself at a later time.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Memory pool

Do you ever sense something that strikes a memory, in the dark recesses of your mind, that takes you back to a time in the past?

Your meandering throughout the mall and you walk by someone with a delectable smell on them and it instantly shoots you back in the past to an ex that had that same scent on him or her. You uncontrollably remember the most vivid memories of that said person.

That happens to me a lot when i listen to music.
certain songs i have to stay away from because they are ridden with bad memories.
they're like my version of the black plague. i break out with nasty boils, slowly dying. the works.

Others it reminds me of a certain place that i happen to be when i listened to it, or people i heard it with.
Funny instances, sad circumstances, angry outbursts.
it could spring forth any emotion in me.

When i listen to Ghost by My Chemical Romance, it reminds me of the days on base when i would jog around this circle in the pitch black. I remember how bright and radiant the stars would look out there. Orion was and still is my favorite constellation. i could always find it. He's what you might call my good luck charm =] that's right. i took a whole constellation for myself.
greedy? i think not.

Other songs, such as Through Hell by Say Anything or Only One by Yellowcard, remind me of my ex boyfriend. He was a whoooole mess of trouble for me. These songs i have to be careful not to listen to. It brings back too many confusing, crushing, painful, piercing memories to handle.

My point is that everyone has these kinds of experiences. We always mix our senses with our memories. its like the trigger finger of the brain gun. It can blow you away in some instances.

Humans sometimes ruin or enhance their experiences in life when they let these memories get in the way of the present things. It all depends on how we take things. Tramatic encounters happen all the time. Either move past it and get up off the floor or cling to it like a small clamouring child. we can take them in stride or against the grain.
Life wont be everything it could be if we let these little things define us.

You have a purpose. Dont let the bad part of the past hinder you from excelling into the future.
you have a hope and a future. everyone does.

And if the past does hurt, then learn from it. Or your personal history is doomed to repeat itself.
No one likes a copy cat.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Book Babble

"melodic satire laced with the basic human heart ache."

this is the phrase i would use to define The Spill Canvas.
or a similar band, Secondhand Serenade.

Both have their own specific style and form of delivering such tear jerking songs
but they both come back to the same roots of small boy with a heart too big.
A tragedy really.
but life always is.
carpe diem
or whatever you have left of it.

Now i just feel that i have the right to note here that i am quite the fan of an epic man.
that man's name is C. S. Lewis. I first fell in love with his work when i happen to stumble upon the Narnian Chronicles. Being a lover of books, i took to it like a fish out of water.
My Dad, always persistent in fufilling his life long dream of writing thru me, encouraged me to read some of his other literary accomplishments.

I finished Mere Christianity not too long ago, once i got use to his lingo and difficult sentences, i began to clearly understand and gained more knowledge of my own faith!
Now im going to work on reading his other material. =]
its sooo exciting!

"My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust?"

such as that.
so simple yet so profound.

But before i can get my hands on any more of this books, i have to finish a gazillion other. Such as don quixote de la Mancha!!
quite the literary tongue in that one. i can get soo into it though. very fanciful.

I also happen to be looking over my auntie's book. and i know she's reading this.
we need to just talk about your book. cuz i dont know how to express what i want to say on paper.
this, my dear friends, is why i shall never be an accomplished writer like my father dreams and hopes i shall be.

Well i dont know if i have bedazzled my audience with any sort of piercing light of intellectual genius, but i suppose that is not what i should aim for.

I am merely here to entertain my own thoughts and to witness what a wild mind can produce on digital pixal paper.

I shall retire for now.
enjoy auntie =]

Friday, July 11, 2008

My sunsets

Lacing up my worn nike shoes.
Placing the headphones precisely next to my eardrums,
modest mouse bleeds into my sound receptors.
secure the blue headband.
i begin my steady pace
breathe in, out, in, out
faster now
i quicken my pace with the upbeat drums and spicy guitar chords
my father always next to me keeping my pace, whatever it may be.
just like a parental. always trying to keep up with their kin.
they can only do so much...i love them for it.

the cottonwoods shed their lyflings.
the soft fluffs flow past me in a current and rhythm all their own.
one brushes against my face tickling me.
the air smells of rich herbs and plant vegitation.
refreshing compared to the burned tire smells and grease of the ever present city
we follow whatever direction we choose on the concrete path that snakes its way around the park.
occasional bikers and other exercise fanatics are the only people come into contact with.
we swiftly pass.
In out in out breathe in out in out
one two one two
feet press onward
never failing
i dedicate this run to my creator
the only thing that keeps me going
he granted me my legs
i can never thank him enough

this is the only thing i live for in the day
this moment.
the scene blurs
the sounds collide.
children laughing
parents talking
" ...went to the porch to have a thought got to the door and again i couldnt stop.."
float on baby.
float on
pain springs into my lungs, piercing.
i never let this stop me.
it only spurs me onto finishing my mission.
" friends, my habits, my family they mean so much to me.."
mouse keeps me in beat
"..and the people you loved but you didnt quite know, they're the places that you wanted to go.."
this is me.

the run is almost over.
my heart thanks me.
but im not done working it.
i sprint the last 30 seconds.
my legs and arms pump to keep up with me.
breath is hard and heavy.
"time!" my dad yells behind me.
i slow my gate.
this is my passion.
the sunset bows for me as it slowly sinks behind the tree line.
i whisper Him a thank you
just one more day is a gracious thing.